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Cries from the Buddha Belly

This past week was my second week of an intense daily qi gong practice called “Jingui Golden Shield,” and this was also the week that the levy broke. The beginner instruction for this ancient form of qi gong involved slapping my bare stomach in key meridian points for several minutes in succession, in order to awaken the chi (qi, prana, holy spirit, life force energy, call it what you will) to quickly develop the human energy body for improved health.

Yes, it hurts to slap the belly with the bare hands. So what, I said.

On about the 12th day, tears started to fall as I reached the end of my lesson, right before I was to hit the floor and apply the ancient Chinese tincture to my red-hot pink belly. My instructor suggested I stay ahead of the slapping; in fact it should be a hit and not a slap, and don’t take it too far — but don’t be numb to it. It should keep me awake. I tried to find that spot that kept me awake; I could not. The tears continued as I made my way home. I kept on crying; the tears fell throughout the day and night, when I was alone and when I was with others. ugh.

You know that crying that comes from super-deep within the lungs and goes on forever with the mouth agape, yet no sound is produced? I had time to wonder if I would ever breathe again, or if it would ever stop. That kinda crying. Buddha Belly tears, but fuck that, I was not in search of a zen-like state-of-being, I was cracking some buried egg wide open all over the place, and the oozing seemed to have no end in sight. It was the most exhausting cry I ever cried.

In some recent blood tests, I learned I have a borderline thyroid condition that does not yet warrant medication, but now is the time to repair current damage and prevent future injury. My research into the world of autoimmune disorders and conditions has begun. Whoa Nelly I had no idea!

I read a new book written by Austin doctor, Dr. Amy Myers, called “The Autoimmune Solution” and could not believe how much sense this book made to me. I have been denying symptoms of my autoimmune disorder for years, but did not even realize it; I just thought I lacked the discipline and motivation to achieve my goals in life, although I have always remained busy. In the past six month, my symptoms have worsened; weight gain, chronic fatigue, digestive disorders, muscle soreness and brain fog.

I continue to exercise quite a bit and assumed I was always sore because of it, but now I wonder. I exercise because I worry I’m getting fat and old, although I do really enjoy being active and continue to have ambitious future goals. The worry makes my stomach upset after eating a very small amount. I sometimes forget what I am doing. The movie “Still Alice” was scary to watch. We all forget, right? I cry A LOT. My Chinese doctor gets a little uncomfortable when he sees me. I have to lay down after each meal I eat, even if I just slept 9 hours and this “laziness” drives me bat-shit crazy. It’s all a vicious cycle and this book goes into great detail about our current state of gluten and how it’s newly-mass-manufactured evil properties are wiping the human race right off the planet. Well she doesn’t exactly say that, but it does not look good for the world and all it’s millions of highly-processed gluten-filled products we find ourselves surrounded by.

I have been tremendously stressed over the past few years and my life has yet to settle down, but I never considered any lasting physical effect from any of this…. until now. Now it’s staring right at me in the mirror and I need to make some enormous changes.

cry me

I have stopped working out every day; I stepped away from the qi gong classes. I have cried a river of tears and I’m not even sure why, except it sure does feel good when it’s over. I am going to do the Myers Way Program because I want to feel as good as I can for the rest of my days. I have suspected sugar and bread and whatnot for months and months and now my exhausted self is ready to take this leap of faith.

Pass the hankies xx

 

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Reiki: Hocus Pocus or can it Heal?

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My Reiki Doodle

I first learned about reiki when I was living in San Francisco and I did not understand it, nor did I believe it worked. The word itself seemed to illicit eye rolls in many (like me!) because it seems too airy-fairy. I was a big eye-roller up until this past year. How is it that someone could hover their hands over my body and administer any type of …. healing, what? Plus it seemed a bit outrageously easy to become a Reiki Energy Healer; a weekend course and ~viola~, here’s your piece of parchment paper, you are now attuned in reiki. I had a few sessions over the years. Perhaps I was a bit more relaxed, but who isn’t when you lay on a table in a beautifully serene room for 45 minutes? I did not believe in reiki and put it out of my mind.

Last summer, I was fired from yet another job. It was my third firing in about 18 months, so at this point, I barely flinched when the news was delivered.

Well, to be perfectly honest, it is NEVER nice to get fired and I am still affected by these beheadings because it messed with me on such a deep level and caused me to be afraid to do anything, except pursue my newfound passion of understanding all this energy crackling around me. At this point, I completely understand that these jobs were just as ill-fitting for me as I was for them and that my purpose lies elsewhere. But holy-moley-Toledo, three blows to the gut definitely knocked the wind from my sails and I still need to give myself quite the pep talk when pursuing new jobs or projects.

When I was fired last summer, I drove up to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin to collapse on one of my favorite piers and talk to my mom. As I drove up to the lake, I listened to the radio, well I listened to a show on Hayhouse Radio: Gerry Gavin, author of “Messages from Margaret“. Gerry is a Communications and Empowerment Specialist and he utilizes many different techniques used by Shamans, the sacred healers and priests of tribal people, and he is also a channel for an angel named Margaret. I don’t exactly remember what he was talking about that day, but he was taking callers and I called in and WHOOPS what do you know, I was talking to Margaret. It was a bit surreal because she (he?) zeroed in on the facts about why I was fired and told me that I should not be doing marketing for anyone but myself. “What would I market myself as?” I asked, and Margaret told me I needed to get aligned with my power. “What does that mean, what should I do?” Margaret suggested a small laundry list of things for me to do, and at the top of the list was to get attuned in reiki. She also told me I needed to calm the F*&%^*K down. Okay she did not say that, but something to that effect.

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The Day I spoke with Margaret

A week later I was in a weekend reiki workshop. I did not understand a lot of it, but I did understand that reiki works on our subtle energetic biofield and since we are nothing but energy, attuned hands could help ease the disease or discomfort in one’s bio-energetic field simply by hovering their hands over someone and sensing and moving out or away stagnant energy. Reiki healers are a channel; the energy works through them and not from them; any and all healing comes from a higher source, not the healer itself, and for this reason, reiki has many critics and naysayers. Understandable for sure, but many who have been comforted by it and alleviated of certain conditions by it, swear by it. Western science and medicine have a hard time wrapping their collective brain around this because there are no real statistical facts. It works with the subtle energy force field. I never understood this in the past, but now that life is crackling around me, I understand and I feel it and it has made me feel things. Reiki literally means “life force energy”.

A recent article asks, “What is reiki?”

During this workshop, the attuned hands worked their magic on me — I saw my mom and I started crying. I saw her slipping into a black hole and I could not save her. I saw a lot of things; flashes from my youth, flashes of my recently deceased relatives, flashes of colors, flashes of figure eights. When it was over, I felt super-solid in my feet and calm in my head. Then it was my turn to sense the energy in my peers, by hovering my hands over them… I felt nothing. I tried again. Nothing. Again and again… nothing.

It wasn’t until several months later when I was doing my sun salutations in the driveway on a hot, humid Texas morning when I felt a hot flash in my hands. It made me leap. I tried it again; I hovered my hands over my feet and slowly moved my hands up my legs, there it was again! I could feel a wave of energy in my legs, like a cusp, and my hands were directing how it moved. I violently shook my hands out as if it were something naughty and laughed with my dogs. My dogs laughed back at me, as they always do. I tried it again, my hands were on fire!

I have been playing with my reiki hands ever since and have recently become ready to take the practice deeper because truth be told… I cannot stop. I need to understand more about this energy I am sensing all over and around me. I am working with a really wonderful energy healer and rieki master who has taught me so much and I look forward to more lessons. I am involved and enrolled in other energy practices right now as well, and I am truly grateful for the opportunity to be the student; my head is spinning with all this new information and I practice on myself and my dogs and with anyone else who will let me.

I do distance healing as well, so please let me know if you would like me to heal you from afar! OKAY heal is a strong word; but I can send good energy your way. I am not in the business of making promises I cannot keep; I am but a grasshopper!

If you are interested in learning reiki, a good place to start is with Penelope Quest’s books and cd’s. There are many reiki teachers and facilitators these days and much like any other professional, it’s best to find someone who you work well with and feel compelled to learn more. It is not always the easiest field to navigate because it is so widely unregulated; I personally like navigating these waters because the conversations are so interesting to me and I also have a very good nose for bullshit. I found someone to work with who believes its important to have a job to stay grounded and to be of service — and not to get too airy-fairy– and I agree. I love having my feet on the ground, now if only my head weren’t so afraid of getting fired again.

There is always more work to do… xo