artist, instructor, organizer, ethical meat advocate
After realizing I needed a physical break from the qi-gong training I was doing, as well as from too much exercising when under the weather, a day on the lake with friends was a great way to re-energize and enjoy some lols before the thunder and lightning rolled in. Perfect day!
Another birthday is upon me and I wanted to acknowledge this year by doing something with my hands and not buying something, because quite frankly I can’t even force myself to walk into a shopping mall these days, even online shopping gives me the hives. I am a Country Mouse now and have millions of mouse friends to prove it out here in the Texas Hill Country. Quite happy with this and I am making the most of it, although I do miss the Big City life on occasion.
In early November, I met a Woodstock artist through Instagram named Wendy Piersall; she has created an amazing adult mandala coloring book that does wonders for quieting the mind. I have played around with zendoodles (or is it zentangle?) and the effect is similar; I start to loose my thoughts when I am lost in the patterns or colors, thereby reducing stress and worry. I may feel tense when I am about to start a doodle, but in no time I disconnect and lean into it, and the end result can be pretay cool!
I had also been doing some work with one of my energy healers in early November and she mentioned that my hands were screaming to say something. “What does that mean, should I write more?” I asked. “I don’t know, but you better put a pencil or paintbrush in them NOW.” It was true, my hands were on fire. I was constantly wringing them out like a Nervous Nellie and I had a tension in my clenched jaw that was driving me somewhat batty.
Wendy had started a 30-day 15-minute-a-day-art-project and on November 10th I said to myself, “Ohhhh for Petey’s Sake, I am going to do this 15-minute-a-day-art-project and when I am finished, I will have a nice little birthday present for myself!”
It was an awesome experience and I can totally see how I eased into trusting myself and really did let my hands do the work — after I warmed up to it. I was somewhat amazed by what was coming out of my hands and onto the paper; it had never been this easy before in my life, and I have tried many times over the years. My brother Sean is the artist, as was my mom, so I always had this feeling as if I was copying someone and thereby never really felt like an artist myself. Austin Kleon‘s books, “Steal Like An Artist” and “Show Your Work” helped me get over my unrealistic fears.
Several months ago, I started studying the practice of space clearing and have even begun the certification process to become a professional space clearer. Space clearing is the ancient practice of literally energetically clearing the space in one’s home, office, building, land, etc. It is a fascinating subject I took to immediately and have been practicing many of these ancient techniques here on the wide open Hill Country land I have the honor to call home these days. This has put me in touch with some Native American Indians, both in book and in spirit, and they too are coming through in my artwork.
I will talk more about space clearing later, as I have much more work to do before I am certified; I have to space clear 18 homes/properties before I am official, in case anyone is interested! (Seriously, contact me if you are interested in space clearing for your home or property.)
I had a blast creating a piece of art every morning; the excitement made me jump out of bed almost every day, even while traveling to California and staying at friends’ house in Austin. I am hooked and now the sky’s the limit!
Happy Birthday to meeeee, wheeeeee xx
And guess what, so are you! In fact, each one of us has been born with natural psychic abilities — it is our six sense and we all have one, even if it has been ignored. Much like the ability to sing or paint or play the piano, this skill can be developed with education and a dedication to nurture it, in a world that is not so keen on its development. And much like almost any other profession, there are folks looking to scam people and take advantage of the weakness of others. I have happily met some extraordinary exceptions and look to learn more from the studied professionals.
I’ve had quite an education in the psychic healing arts in the past year and a half. I never once considered myself psychic, although I was always interested in it because I was very curious about those that were psychic; what exactly did this mean? I saw stories and had no idea what that meant, so I went tripping around. As a kid, I was always being told to be quiet, don’t say that, keep your mouth shut….. and because I did not really know how to do that, I discovered ways and means to suppress these thoughts and feelings. So as I grew up, I treated it as a book that I would flip through every couple of years and then toss it aside. That is….. until my mom passed away.
I have met countless people whose lives have completely changed after the passing of their mother; I suppose the stories had always been around me, but I never heard these stories. I thought I had been prepared for my mom’s death, but even to this day, not quite two years later, her death still inspires me, still makes me cry, still makes me feel things I have never felt, but mostly, my mom has inspired me. I recently created a mission statement, and as CORNY as it is, it is oh-so-very-true for me: (yes, it sounds like a Beach Boys song lol)
“I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life and I want to share the good vibrations!”
I discovered I do have psychic abilities. That’s such a freaky word though, isn’t it? I rarely use the word because it’s FREAKY and people literally or metaphorically take a step back and put their hand up as if to say, “You will not see me.” I don’t blame them, I have done the same. Storefront psychics have given the profession a very bad name and in my studies, I learned that approximately 90% of psychics are scam artists. That’s a HUGE number of phoney-baloneys and no wonder this young woman got exactly what she set out to find; online psychic scammers. They are incredibly easy to find, so she allowed herself to be mostly scammed and willingly paid for it. Had she spent some time educating herself, she could have found a professional who could read the energy around her and with a combined effort on both their parts, she would have been left with suggestions on how to improve and/or change her current situation. It’s not hocus-pocus unless you want it to be abra-cadabra. We all have free will and no psychic has the final word on your life, nor should anyone allow a psychic to hold their future ransom for a dollar amount. This woman eventually meet someone who had energy-reading-abilities and guess what, IT FREAKED HER OUT.
I am a beginner and have immersed myself in learning all that I can about these talents of mine that I discovered late in the game; there is no clear path to educate one’s self in this manner, which is a challenge I fully embrace. I no longer even feel as though I have a choice, nor do I wonder if I have this ability; I do. Now my focus is to simply understand this thing that is in me and to that end, I am completely dedicated to educating myself and developing these skills because it is literally the things that makes me jump out of bed each morning. My hope is that everyone finds the thing that makes them to jump out of bed each morning because honestly, it’s the sweet spot for sure.
Everyone has a Sixth Sense, just as everyone can sing, but it’s a skill that must be developed and nurtured. Nothing about our American culture wants you to have these six sensory skills, let alone develop them, which is why turning off the TV and staying out of malls and bars would be a good place to start if you’re interested in develop these skills. Fortunately (!!!) I lost everything while my mom was dying and in my process of re-building, I find myself out in nature A LOT, which is the perfect place for me to develop and practice these intuitive skills. I have learned to meditate too — perhaps one of THE most challenging things to do in my life, because the world has always screamed at me and I always screamed back, that is until I discovered the gift of silence.
It is in the silence where I have learned my greatest lessons.
In the silence, I know stories. It feels as though I get tapped on my nose and then I see people and situations. Usually these situations are high-stress, traumatic situations, not always, but never a bunch of detailed information. In my study of developing these skills, I give much consideration to the ethics of this business, and have learned that it is best to never impose my thoughts or “advice” (eee-gads) on anyone, so often times, I do what I must to release this energy from me. This is where NIA dance comes in tremendously handy, and why I share my good energy tips on Instagram!
Being psychic, or rather, being in touch with one’s intuitive side (a much nicer way of saying it), is the ability to see or hear or read “energy in motion.” When I first heard this description, it made it much less spooky and less mysterious.
“The ability to read energy in motion.”
It’s a fascinating subject and there is so much to learn, so much to try, so much to see, so much to read, so much to feel! I have met some amazing people in this journey, as well; there have been some absolute nut jobs oh-yes-for-sure, some egos five times the size of Texas, but mostly I have met some of the most caring and dedicated people I have ever met in my life, and many dress suuuuuuuper-cool and have never seen an office cubicle. I LOVE IT!!
A good place to start if you’re interested in developing your own “intuitive skills” is Sonia Choquette’s “Diary of a Psychic“, and almost all of her other books. I have read most and have attended her workshops too, which are craaaaaaaaaazy-amazing!
In my late-twenties, I started on the path to discover these skills and learn more about them, but I eventually walked away, literally and metaphorically, because I wasn’t “getting it.” It was a long and interesting lesson, yet I was very, very frustrated because I learned all these things in my head, but nothing was happening outside of me. When my mom was dying and said the words, “I was wrong about you and I wish I had been nicer to you“, it truly melted a steel cage around my heart and I was able to see, feel, hear, taste, touch for the first time in my life. My mom gave me an amazing gift before she passed away, the gift of LOVE, and so it is because of her I am dedicated to being the best PSYCHIC I can possibly be! And truly the BEST part about it is that I don’t have to be a PSYCHIC because there are so many other tremendous things possible in life now!
Now please, will you wash behind your ears before I have to embarrass you in public?
xoxo
Sometimes I burst out in tears when I think about my mom, and I’m occasionally surprised at how close I feel to the sadness, but I don’t question it, as grief is what it is. This usually happens when I am doing the dishes or sweeping the floor or some other mundane task, but not always; sometimes it happens when I am out in public and I find creative ways to work the tears into whatever it is I am doing. I get a pang in my heart and find the most comforting thing to do is to put my forearm over my eyes and let it all hang out, even if in silence. It is usually short-lived, but bellows from deep down.
Last night I threw a ribeye on the hot iron skillet and it hit me just as the sizzle splashed up; the sorrow of my mother’s death. The sorrow of her unlived life; dreams never seen, love never felt. It is not that I wish she were here, because we did not spend much time together and when we did it was strained — or something. I cry for her sadness and how our entire lives together were summarized in those few short days or minutes before she could not speak anymore. I cry for not having a daughter; who will hold my hand when I die? But still, my mom and I made our peace. She loved me. She was sorry. I was sorry. I loved her.
I often see it as my mother slipping into a black, fiery hole, on a board that is angled at a fairly steep 45-degree angle, leading into the black, murky hole. It is a big hole and I am kneeling on one knee on the edge, with my arm extended towards her, leaning farther in as I am physically begging her to grab my hand. There are angels standing along the edge of the hole, probably about ten of them — I just counted them for the first time in my mind, because I have not paid much attention to them. My mom is slipping feet first into this hole and she is looking back up at me, reaching towards me and trying to say something to me as if its the first time she is speaking to me and obviously, it is the last time. Always in this scene, I am reaching towards her with my right arm as I have my left forearm over my eyes, as I hang my head low in deep sorrow. She is leaving me for the final time. The sadness goes deep.
“Don’t be scared, Mom”, as she slips in deeper.
What do I know? Nothing. It’s hard to know what to say when someone is dying.
I miss her. I think she’s okay. What do I know?
When I am hit with this moving picture show in my mind, and once I compose myself, I think about how much my life has changed since my mom’s death. In many ways, maybe I too was sliding into a big black hole, because I certainly didn’t feel all that alive 18 months ago. I was trapped in my own fears, imprisoned by my own thoughts and completely out of touch with my heart. I had accepted that I was getting old and that there would be no more real moments of joy nor carefree silliness in life; only perhaps drunken silliness, and this is not really all that silly, except that it is pretty silly.
I clutched my heart a lot after my mom’s death; I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe and I was terrified. I reached for the walls when I walked in case I fell down. I was so afraid I was dying. Nooooooo, please not like this. I found a doctor, made an appointment. Then fell asleep for two weeks.
After I changed everything in my life, I actually started to have real fun again. My spirit came back after I left Chicago and moved to my mom’s empty place in Woodstock, where I began to pursue the things that mattered most to me. People fell out of my life, good ones and bad, as did a number of jobs — money too; oh the money went tumbling out. I started taking long walks around Lake Geneva, because I simply had to move about outside, as well as doing lots of yoga. I quit drinking and drank kale juice every morning and soon felt amazingly strong and ready for new adventures. I was breaking free of the shackles of my life, which in hindsight felt a lot like walking through a long dark hallway while being striped of every thread I wore. It was beautiful and terrifying time, and the fears of the future were loud, but my faith grew louder each day as I awoke to a new ability to see and feel…. energy. Twirling Figure 8’s are what I see, everywhere. They make me hopeful.
I am certain I will spend the rest of my life learning about energy, even though I hear those sarcastic Irish voices in my head that say, “you do WHAT Meag??! You see Figure 8’s???? Should you be driving? Are you in the paint again Meag???” I boot those needling leprechauns aside and forge ahead — they cannot stop me now because they are all dead and I am alive and roam the earth with my trusty energy balls.
I initially thought I would be an energy healer in my next career, but as I dig deeper, I am not so sure. To work with people’s energy is to associate with them on such an intimate level, which presents all sorts of ethical issues that I’m not interested in, quite frankly. I have always been a bit of a loner, so I looked to other ways of working it. Which is why I am super-glad I have jumped into the arena by returning to my first love, DANCING.
I am now a Nia Technique teacher, although for years I studied and taught Gabrielle Roth’s 5 Rhythm’s. I loved my time in the 5 Rhythms but my life fits so much better with Nia now. However, no one is coming to my classes just yet, but gosh it’s great practice! I suspect this dance may be a bit too progressive for Dripping Springs. Change is in the air here and people are moving here in droves, but the majority of people here are young, church-going families, who I suspect are not looking to take a dance class that combines the best of modern dance, martial arts and the healing arts. I keep my heart and my eyes open for new horizons, as usual, as I look outside of Texas.
What is Nia dance, you ask? When founders Debbie and Carlos Rosas created NIA in the early 80’s as an alternative to the high-impact aerobics craze, they called it “non-impact aerobics”. Over time they determined the acronym was negative, so research took them in a new direction. It was then renamed “Neuromuscular Integrated Action”, but how lame is that? About 15 years ago, a truth revealed itself: in Swahili, Nia means ‘purpose;’ in Hebrew, it means ‘to create subtle movements.’ Ah, the metaphysical truth.
In Nia, we use nine classic movement forms: three from the martial arts (t’ai chi, aikido, tae kwon do), three from the dance arts (jazz, modern, Duncan), and three from the healing arts (yoga, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais). There are also 52 fundamental steps and patterns. When the custom choreographed music starts up, I move the moves by adding my own personality and style of dance, so that it becomes my dance — and I encourage you to discover your dance. This is why I really love Nia, it honors the skill level and development of the individual spirit with these age-old practices. There is no wrong way to do Nia, unless you are hurting yourself; you move in your body’s way. I learn something new each time I dance the dance and I anticipate future learning pangs.
I incorporate tools to improve my body’s energy during my class that I have learned over the past several months, and I also share them on Instagram, called #newenergyin15 . I’ve learned these tips from Lee Holden, Sonia Choquette, Lydia Wong, Donna Eden at Eden Energy Medicine ( I LOVE Donna’s energy!) and from my own inspiration, so it really is becoming my style and maybe someday I will have students!
When the tears for my mom appear, I let them hang out, because they keep me grateful and in tune with why I pursue the things I pursue. My mom’s dreams were cut short many years ago while she sat around waiting to die and then she fought like hell in the final hours. I’m attempting to mow down my regrets before they have a chance to fester; having sat with three people as they laid dying revealed some crushing views on life and I am thanking my stars above that I have an opportunity to turn my life around. Once again. 😀
My mission statement: “I want the rest of my life to be the best of my life.”
My quest to understand energy has only just begun, so do you care to dance with me?
“An energy healer is someone who can assist in moving your energy in an attempt for better mental, emotional and physical health.”
I’ve often asked myself what IS an energy healer and then mumble, “it’s not real”, even though I am surrounded by the study, practice and fascination of all things energy. Here is my laundry list of current energetic practices:
– Attuned in reiki — I now have hot hands!
– Student of Lee Holden‘s qi gong
– Student of Lydia Wong‘s Meridian Dance Massage (I LOVE her Mambo T’ai chi classes!)
– Student of Sonia Choquette‘s Six Sensory studies
– Student of Tarot and various other oracle cards
– Officially a NIA technique white belt dance teacher (!!)
– Each morning starts with one hour of sun salutation meditations that include the energy medicine practices of Donna Eden (and oooooh I can’t wait to take her classes!)
I also love to read about angels, intuition, psychics, faeries, meditation, mediums and have discovered one common thread in all these modalities… it’s all ENERGY. Fascinating, beating, twirling, moving, pulsating energy; I can feel it, I can change it — I have totally improved it, and I am enamored by it. Ironically, energy healing can freak some people out.
I totally get this, I have long had my doubts about energy so much so that I totally forgot about it for years and paid no attention to it whatsoever. I remember thinking it was a deceptive way of saying, “I make stuff up” or “I like to day dream and ride white unicorns over sparkly rainbows”. Even though I have always come back to the healing arts, I have been and remain somewhat skeptical about what it actually means. My Irish sarcasm runs deep to this day.
These days, however, I am more curious than anything and am ready to dive into this.
My mom’s deathbed apology totally changed everything for me, and once I emerged from the hellacious panic attack I was trapped in, I began to experience life in a very, different manner. Life suddenly seemed quiet and crisp. I felt as though I had no choice, I simply HAD to clean up my life on every level and even now, I pay dearly if I eat junk food or I feel the foggy after-effect of one glass of wine for three or more days, so I don’t drink. I feel people in a visceral way that is new to me. I hear their stories in my nose. When I am out in public these days, it is a very different experience. I am affected by sounds, lights, crowds, smells and cellphones (hello!). It’s why I prefer to be in the country now.
This is not religious experience, because I am not aligned with any one religion, although I do fall back on some of my Catholic tendencies. I believe most religions are dangerous and encourage punishing thinking, so I don’t go there. I am also quick to not describe this as a spiritual experience either, because once I label myself as spiritual, it raises an eyebrow, an eyebrow that loves to scrutinize our humanness.
I’m not into labels. I like energy. I am flawed and have bad days. I suffer rejection, but not as years gone by; I get over things pretty quickly. Including when I sometimes wonder if I am a delusional or perhaps the butt of jokes, but then I say, “who cares?”. I love where I’m finding myself these days, with its imperfections and all, and I feel totally grateful to have this opportunity to wake up. It’s what I have wanted for years.
I have also experienced some amazing insight on people in my immediate and not-so-immediate circles; I feel my nose get tapped and then I’m flooded with thoughts. It is energy in motion and I can read it somehow. I have been told I am an Energy Healer. I have been told I am an Intuitive. I continue to search for understanding.
Naturally the internet has a boatload to say about the subject, after I made my way through the ads for several local area energy healers, and if it is one thing, energy healing is vague. Rife with scam artists and bally-hoo-magical thinkers, so says Wikipedia. “Physicists and skeptics roundly criticize these explanations as pseudophysics — a branch of pseudoscience which explains magical thinking by using irrelevant jargon from modern physics to exploit scientific illiteracy and to impress the unsophisticated.”
Therein lies my challenge. I believe in energy healing and the positive changes it has made in my life, but I now am ready to dig deeper.
~~~
When I was 26, I took a job as a Production Manager at a photographic and design studio in San Francisco, which kicked off my journey into healing my inner kid, or rather, my search into “how not to be in so much damn emotional pain”. I was wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, thrilled to be in San Francisco and I was about two years sober at that time. This was the perfect city for me; I had amazing adventures on my bike (huge calves and thighs!), at my job in SOMA (it was called the Multimedia Gulch back then), and enjoying my first “healthy” relationship with a pastry chef/marathon runner, who had me running with him all over the Marin County trails. It was a tremendous place for me to be and I was “tippy-toed-excited” about all that lay ahead of me.
I first lived on Russian Hill and rode my bike to work over Nob Hill to SOMA, or I took the fantastically aromatic #30 bus through North Town and Chinatown. The bus was usually serene and roomy when I boarded in the Marina, but when we pulled onto Columbus, suddenly the bus turned to a sea of people with no personal boundaries, nor indoor voices, all carrying plastic bags full of duck stew. I was happy to ride my bike up and over the hills as often as possible, and honestly there was no feeling in the world like blasting down the streets of San Francisco, even though that required pedaling up those same streets. I was a biking machine and I loved it!
It didn’t take me long to take notice of Mill Valley across the Bay, and within a few months, I was living in a log cabin on Mount Tamalpais and riding my bike to the Sausalito ferry each morning to cross the Bay. It was a glorious way to start and finish each day and I don’t know that I was ever in better shape in my life. My super beefy legs may not have ever been considered sexy, but they sure were strong as oxen and for that I have always been grateful. Even today, my legs are oh-so-hardy.
It was in Mill Valley where I started to meet “energy healers”. Whhooo-whhoooo-what? I was curious but highly skeptical, as this sounded like a bunch of hooey. The first weekend at the log cabin, my roommate had a Shaman come to the house to do a sage clearing. A what? A long-haired gentleman, dressed in all white robes strutted around the house with rattles and a lit sage wand as he traced the windows, door frames and spun in all the corners of the house. It smelled like weed. I was fascinated and a bit scared. Was this an exorciscm? Was the house haunted? Will there be goblins and ghosts?
There were no goblins nor hauntings, and since this experience, I now practice space clearing and have learned so much about it from the powerful teachings of Denise Linn. I love this woman’s energy! I am also a fan of Tess Whitehurst‘s books on the subject of space clearing, as well. Once I started looking, the information was plentiful.
I love, love, LOVE working with energy, healing energy and learning even more about energy. It is my thing. This is one of the many gifts of my mom’s passing; and her apology to me before leaving. I finally eased up and off myself and my God, the difference it has made in my life. The message has not been lost on me at all.
But the message of energy healing was a hard one to grasp. Last year, when I was fired from yet another ill-fitting job, I found myself scrambling…. “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW???!” as I stayed up all night reading about healing through reiki, angels, prayers, psychics, t’ai chi, yoga, kale, crystals, breathing, vibration, praying, chakras, qi gong, breathing, walking in nature, silence, Law of Attraction, spirituality, religion and let’s not forget the FAERIES!
“Oh my, Meagan is totally OUT THERE now.” I know, isn’t it fantastic?
The results of being at odds with myself my whole life has made for a very chaotic, albeit it, exciting life. I am ready for this new chapter as I dive into the energetic world.
Until I get my unicorn, I’ll fly without him for now… xo
Since my mom’s death, I’ve come to know gratitude. And LOVE. On an entirely new level. By way of crawling through the murkiness of pain and sorrow. But there has also been some true moments of happiness.
Am I happy my mom died? No of course not. I’m still completely surprised that I occasionally burst out in tears when a thought about my mom pops in my head. Or I see something. Or smell something. No one is more surprised by this than me – I honestly thought I was prepared for my mom’s death because she seemed to be sitting around waiting for Mr. Reaper to knock on her door and take her away. I don’t knock myself for having these outbursts; I’m studied enough to know that grief knows no bounds and we are all wrapped up in grief at some level and no need to resist it, otherwise it festers and rears it’s head in other ways. So I don’t mind the tears. They do surprise me, however.
I’m okay with surprises.
My mom’s death was such a wake-up call and continues to flood my thoughts and dreams with new ideas. Eight months before my mom duked out her last duke, I was being pulled by forces to change my life, yet I completely resisted at the time. I even felt damned by what I thought was “happening to me”. A year later, it’s starting to make sense as I continue to make more changes, because now I’m on a mission and feel compelled to acknowledge that which royally pissed me off a year ago.
I honestly believe I was being yanked by a higher power – angels to be exact – to become a better person; a better version of Meagan, because on so many levels, I was drowning and had given up. I remember saying to myself, “I give up. No really, I’m done.” That’s pretty clear, eh?
I had no passion and a seriously low low low energetic vibration; I cared very little about what was going on around me – AND I was harboring a truckload of shame for having been fired from some jobs. Holy-moley, who was I if I didn’t have a job I could brag about? Even if I didn’t have a date, at least I had a job. I was losing things to be excited about and could feel the sparkle oozing out of my being – and I have always been a sparkly person, so this was heart-breaking for me. No job, no relationship since my divorce, no money, no home of my own…. Who am I and seriously, what happened?
The entire 2012 year feels like it was in a state of suspension, and looking back, I now understand bit more. I was being prompted to empty out my life and look ahead. Look above. Look behind. Look up.
I fought this. I was angry. Not anymore. I like the view.
In January 2013, my mom needed me. She had not wanted me around for years. But now she had no choice – my twin uncles had recently died (ouch) and my two brothers were in Phoenix. She had no choice but me. I went immediately.
It’s been eight months since she died and I can honestly say this has been the most gut-wrenching time of my life, with mom’s death being the frosting on my cake of gloom, but it has also rocked my soul to the core and I am forever grateful for this HUUUGE wake up call.
I have mentioned it before (and will not in the future), but I had this habit of getting fired from jobs, in addition to quitting a few. I went my whole life without getting fired (well there was that one office job that I was fired from after the Christmas party, but that’s a story for another day) and then in a matter of about two years, I was fired three times. I also quit two other jobs. That’s a boatload of jobs in a very short time, Ladies and Gentlemen!
It was a revolving door of drama and heartache, and I had no idea how to stop the rollercoaster because I was so desperate and ashamed about being fired. I jumped into action immediately and was able to get a new job wham-bam, but I was not bothering to ask if I was right for the job or if I even wanted to work for this company or with it’s people. I had no time to think about these things, so the universe sorted this out for me. QUICKLY.
“Hello, you’re hired!”
“Hey, you’re fired, there’s the door!”
When I was fired seven weeks ago, I completely slammed on the brakes and decided to take a much needed time out. I struggle with this because there’s a part of me that feels guilty for not working, but there is a much larger part of me that is completely committed to getting stronger, smarter, healthier and in touch with what I really should be doing.
I am completely grateful I have a spot of time to do my soul searching and a quiet, calm place out in the country.
So many bittersweet gifts since my mom’s death.
I have been marching around my entire life thinking I understood certain things about life and how things had to get done. I had accepted this mostly, and was quietly and numbly going about life and losing a bit more steam each year.
And then….. and then my mom apologized for being mean to me before she died. Wished she had been nicer to me. Said she was wrong about me. Was so, so, so happy I made spaghetti at her place instead of eating out.
Funny what sticks out.
With this apology, I was knocked flat on my back for a good number of days and to this present day, I am still decoding this newfound vision and my strong, peppy heartbeat that beats vibrantly in my now strong rib cage.
My mom gave me the gift of love and I had no idea I had been living without it. I am enjoying having an invigorated pulse at this stage in life. I understand now with much greater compassion that my mom lived a loveless life herself and it breaks my heart when I think of it, but she made amends where she could and I am forever grateful.
She was smart. Unburden yourself before you go.
Now I have an opportunity to live with vim, vigor, zest, laughter, curiosity, wonder and passion! All the things that felt natural to me as a kid (let’s be honest, this feels natural to every kid) and I’m totally embracing it again, like it’s my birthday! (jaja)
This is the reason I have stepped off the fast-moving train of life to re-examine everything. I have become softer, more thoughtful, slower and happier. My laugh has improved. No really, make me laugh and you will see! I prefer being outside in nature and eating lots of healthy greens. I read and write poetry. I read a ton of books. I adore silence. I watch zero tv and avoid all gossip sites. I still read Twitter! Can’t live in outer space ALL THE TIME. I am taking several classes right now that are helping me feel better. I am s-l-o-w-l-y finding new social circles. I quit drinking and smoking – something the angels were giving me SUCH a hard time about. I couldn’t do these things anymore without feeling like hell on earth, so I happily gave them up. I thought it would be hard. It wasn’t.
The next job I take will be a job that has meaning to me. Or I will create something myself — this is in the works. I still don’t have all the answers but these things are true:
I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. I am at peace. I enjoy little things. I am not afraid of the holidays. Nor the water, or being out in nature. I am not worried about being fired again. I will not go hungry. I am awesome! I really want to help others. I am super-super-super excited about the autumn and winter of my life because it has been and will continue to be magical.
Have I mentioned the faeries that have appeared in my life? Yes. The faeries. The angels too! They call me Snow White when I go out in the woods; the birds, the trees, the clouds – they are all talking to me and I love it!
xoxo.
The urge to label myself as lazy or unproductive may be at the tip of my tongue, but I am refusing to let those words or thoughts slip through, because I am not lazy nor unproductive, nor am I a slacker. Although one may arrive at that impression if you were to look at the surface of my life — a regular Life of Riley as it were, but let’s be honest: no one is really sizing up my life with nearly the critical eye as my very own critical eye.
That stops now. I have made a promise to myself that I will not lambast myself anymore. I have been filling my head with some incredible books, words, lessons, music, activities, exercises, ETCETERA, all in a headstrong dedication to raise my vibration, because in order to live a magical yet smart, smart, smart life, I need to operate and thrive on a much higher level on consciousness.
Energy. Energy Balls. Energy balls are atoms. Everything in our world is made up of atoms. Including every single person in the world. Everything is atoms, moving around at various frequencies, which creates their density. The slower the frequency, the lower the vibration. The lower the vibration, the darker the energy. The darker the energy, the more depressed it is OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND COULD I BUY SOME POT FROM YOU????
I am kidding because I hate pot — but it’s true I sometimes get so wrapped up in these conversations about energy balls, I feel like I’m tripping the light fantastic on some transcendental meditation exploration hippy trip — and I love it! Years ago I threw myself into books, workshops and seminars on the Laws of Attraction and saw some pretty powerful fruitions come to be. My San Francisco years were achieved by practicing these principles and I truly enjoyed those years and all that I learned. But I am absorbing this on an entirely new level now and strongly believe it is because of the extraordinary experience of witnessing my mom’s death, which snapped me out of my post-divorce, post-Mexico funk. I am ready to be in the world again. And this time it’s going to be magical. It already is — I have seen magic!
To raise my energy, I do yoga, qui gong, breathing exercises, reiki, walking in nature (LOVE) and meditation – which is still challenging, but I’m always learning and staying open to new lessons as I quiet the noise in my head. I am in a seven-week online TAPPING course right now, and this is pretty powerful stuff as well. Tapping on meridian points, who knew? As far as books, there are so many books on the subject it could make your head explode, but these days I rely on my intuition because it has proven to be trust worthy. The first one I was drawn to was an ebook, written by Caroline Shearer of Absolute Love Publishing.
I found the first one, “Raise Your Vibration: Tips & Tools for a High-Frequency Life“, downloaded it and devoured it almost immediatley. I like her writing style because she sounds like she would be a girlfriend of mine. It’s real! I then followed her/her publishing company on all the social media channels and soon learned that Absolute Love Publishing was offering to give away some of their books in exchange for a review. Voila! I was planning on reading them anyways, but now I had access to them on the spot!
I followed up my reading with the next book in the series, “Raise Your Verbal Vibration: Create the Life You Want with Law of Attraction Language“. This book is spectacular for making you aware of what current language you are using and how it may be negatively affecting you and also provides a broad list of alternative words. I have printed this list of words out and pinned above my desk (Pinterest in real life!) so I can easily reference them — I also read them aloud to my dog every morning. He enjoys this activity. 😉
Next up was, “Raise Your Financial Vibration: Tips and Tools to Embrace Your Infinite Spiritual Abundance“. When it comes to the topic of money, earning power and guilt, there’s no shortage of issues over here. As women, we are not supposed to talk about money but our generation of mothers (generally speaking), did not offer a great education, nor dialogue on earning money and how to manage it. Money is energy as well and yet another relationship in our lives. And my relationship has not been so great. That changes now!
The past few years have been really challenging for me; I have not been stably employed or otherwise engaged in about two years, and so my finances have been running amuck. I have made great effort in the past few months to tackle some old haunting issues and have succeeded! And while I celebrated this victory, there is more work to do. First steps are to get my money issues OUT OF THE CLOSET and face them head on.
When I read this quote in the book, I knew I was reading the right book, “We are in a time when the world is hanging precipitously. Not in a financial sense, but in an energetic sense, and this is because we are beginning to understand that where our energy goes, our reality will follow.”
These books are really a very basic and elementary lessons, delivered gently yet firmly and rooted in a nice balance of spirituality, which is important to me. But these lessons, I believe, are so very easy to ignore. No one really wants to belittle ourselves on a daily basis, but it’s amazing how quickly we do just this. I am punishing myself for things that happened years and years ago that no one but ME even remembers. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I met my spirit guides fairly recently, even some of my angels, and I have been advised to stop the practice of Meag-Bashing. DONE. Of course I can only do this with a little help from my friends…
