Energy Balls… got ’em?

Slacker Meag

The urge to label myself as lazy or unproductive may be at the tip of my tongue, but I am refusing to let those words or thoughts slip through, because I am not lazy nor unproductive, nor am I a slacker.  Although one may arrive at that impression if you were to look at the surface of my life — a regular Life of Riley as it were, but let’s be honest: no one is really sizing up my life with nearly the critical eye as my very own critical eye.

That stops now. I have made a promise to myself that I will not lambast myself anymore. I have been filling my head with some incredible books, words, lessons, music, activities, exercises, ETCETERA, all in a headstrong dedication to raise my vibration, because in order to live a magical yet smart, smart, smart life, I need to operate and thrive on a much higher level on consciousness.

Energy. Energy Balls.  Energy balls are atoms.  Everything in our world is made up of atoms.  Including every single person in the world. Everything is atoms, moving around at various frequencies, which creates their density.  The slower the frequency, the lower the vibration. The lower the vibration, the darker the energy.  The darker the energy, the more depressed it is OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND COULD I BUY SOME POT FROM YOU????

I am kidding because I hate pot — but it’s true I sometimes get so wrapped up in these conversations about energy balls, I feel like I’m tripping the light fantastic on some transcendental meditation exploration hippy trip — and I love it!  Years ago I threw myself into books, workshops and seminars on the Laws of Attraction and saw some pretty powerful fruitions come to be.  My San Francisco years were achieved by practicing these principles and I truly enjoyed those years and all that I learned. But I am absorbing this on an entirely new level now and strongly believe it is because of the extraordinary experience of witnessing my mom’s death, which snapped me out of my post-divorce, post-Mexico funk. I am ready to be in the world again. And this time it’s going to be magical.  It already is — I have seen magic!

To raise my energy, I do yogaqui gong, breathing exercises, reiki, walking in nature (LOVE) and meditation – which is still challenging, but I’m always learning and staying open to new lessons as I quiet the noise in my head.  I am in a seven-week online  TAPPING course right now, and this is pretty powerful stuff as well.  Tapping on meridian points, who knew? As far as books, there  are so many books on the subject it could make your head explode, but these days I rely on my intuition because it has proven to be trust worthy.  The first one I was drawn to was an ebook, written by Caroline Shearer of Absolute Love Publishing.

I found the first one, “Raise Your Vibration: Tips & Tools for a High-Frequency Life“, downloaded it and devoured it almost immediatley.  I like her writing style because she sounds like she would be a girlfriend of mine.  It’s real!  I then followed her/her publishing company on all the social media channels and soon learned that Absolute Love Publishing was offering to give away some of their books in exchange for a review. Voila! I was planning on reading them anyways, but now I had access to them on the spot!

I followed up my reading with the next book in the series, “Raise Your Verbal Vibration: Create the Life You Want with Law of Attraction Language“.  This book is spectacular for making you aware of what current language you are using and how it may be negatively affecting you and also provides a broad list of alternative words. I have printed this list of words out and pinned above my desk (Pinterest in real life!) so I can easily reference them — I also read them aloud to my dog every morning.  He enjoys this activity. 😉

Next up was, “Raise Your Financial Vibration: Tips and Tools to Embrace Your Infinite Spiritual Abundance“. When it comes to the topic of money, earning power and guilt, there’s no shortage of issues over here.  As women, we are not supposed to talk about money but our generation of mothers (generally speaking), did not offer a great education, nor dialogue on earning money and how to manage it.  Money is energy as well and yet another relationship in our lives.  And my relationship has not been so great. That changes now!

The past few years have been really challenging for me; I have not been stably employed or otherwise engaged in about two years, and so my finances have been running amuck.  I have made great effort in the past few months to tackle some old haunting issues and have succeeded!  And while I celebrated this victory, there is more work to do.  First steps are to get my money issues OUT OF THE CLOSET and face them head on.

When I read this quote in the book, I knew I was reading the right book, “We are in a time when the world is hanging precipitously. Not in a financial sense, but in an energetic sense, and this is because we are beginning to understand that where our energy goes, our reality will follow.”

These books are really a very basic and elementary lessons, delivered gently yet firmly and rooted in a nice balance of spirituality, which is important to me.  But these lessons, I believe, are so very easy to ignore.  No one really wants to belittle ourselves on a daily basis, but it’s amazing how quickly we do just this.  I am punishing myself for things that happened years and years ago that no one but ME even remembers.  I don’t want to do this anymore.

I met my spirit guides fairly recently, even some of my angels, and I have been advised to stop the practice of Meag-Bashing.  DONE.  Of course I can only do this with a little help from my friends…

friends

In a blink of an eye

Hard to believe it’s been six months since my mom died; some days it feels like just minutes ago I was with her in her hospital room, trying to pry her hands off of her bed rail because they were turning purple.  Yet other days it feels like she’s been gone for ages.  I have learned so much in the past few months; the lessons have come in all sizes and shapes and I honestly hope this journey continues to reveal itself. I feel like I am finally growing up but not in a snore-bore sorta-way. In a way that has eluded me for years but somehow is tapping open my heart now.  I’ve paid off some old bills as well, so I suppose that’s rather snore-bore but it felt tremendous to take care of some old financial haunts. I’m almost there!

I am 47 and both my parents are dead.  Many of the things I used to care about; I don’t anymore.  Some things have fallen to the wayside; others have become more omni-important.  I am less afraid in the world.  To be less afraid has been a very powerful gift and I’m so very grateful for this gift of confidence.

I was terrified of the water. I was afraid to be out in the country all by myself.  I used to call the police when I was out in the country and they would say to me, “do you realize that’s the wind?”  I used to be afraid of silence because of all the voices I could hear.

One of my most favorite things now is to be out in the country, sitting in a lake all by myself, listening to the silence and wise voices that I hear.  It’s true!

In a lake

I took a new job two months ago because I believed so much in the product; the problem is, is that I did not believe in the company. And it turns out they did not believe in me, so we have recently parted ways.  As shocking as this may seem to some, it really felt like the absolute right thing to have happened. What now?

This will be very hard for me to do but I have been instructed not to do anything for a week.  This goes against everything in me — because I want to poke around and completely over-analyze the situation.  Instead I am going to focus on raising my vibration.

Raising my vibration.  It’s happening. I am clearing my chakras. Raising the roof.  Awakening the heart.  Mindful meditation — I am finally getting it where I don’t think of sex the entire time!  Breathing from my toes. Reaching for the stars. Feeling the gratitude.  Sharing kindness.  Sending love.  The Grinch when he discovered the true meaning of Christmas? Yeah, me.  I wasn’t a hater like him, but I swear somedays I think my heart is going to burst of my ribcage.

lark

I feel alive on a level I have never experienced before and I want to devour the world.  I have taken a break or pause from social media but I am ready to be visible again.  I am also taking a reiki class and studying angels since they have decided to visit me.  Yes, angels. I no longer care if that makes me sound crazy because it makes me happy.

It’s really my mom’s criticism I hear when I decide I want to pursue things that make me happy. My mom never understood my pursuits but in the end she apologized for being mean to me and wished she had been nicer.  Her gift to me was realizing she had been wrong about me.  This has changed something deep inside of me. I have walked around my entire life thinking my mom thought I was crazy – or didn’t like me.  This is not the case, she loved me and only wished she had the expression that I have always had.  This realization has changed everything about my life.  In turn, I am going to be nicer to me and not criticize my pursuits.

It is an amazing gift when a parent apologizes before they die. I understand that many people do not get this gift and I am completely grateful my mom had the heart to say something to me.

I am committed to making the autumn and winter of my life magical. An angel appeared on my arm by way of a rogue doodle and told me to believe. I believe…

angel arm

Mindfulness, Good Deeds, Cheeseburgers, Milkshakes

Buddha_Blue_Lotus

The days and weeks since my mom’s death have been quick to pass and full of lessons, if I am in the mood to listen and thankfully I usually am.  I have made some huge changes in my life since her passing and I have been on this continual hunt for information and guidance on what to do next in life.  I have discovered so many things in the past few weeks and one message that came through loud and clear is that life is truly short and should not be wasted or fretted away on meaningless drivel.  Which is all relative to each and every one of us.

My mom knew she was dying. She never came out and said this to me but two weeks before I brought her to the hospital, we spent most of the night sitting up at her house while she told me her directives.  She had it all written down, but wanted to tell me everything.  It was a  meaningful occasion for me because never before have I had to opportunity to sit with my mom and talk with her — especially without beer.  I sat at the dining room table and she sat on the couch. She looked straight ahead and I watched her profile. She was pretty. I had never seen my mom as pretty. I saw where I got my looks! I never ever saw my mom in this light before and that night alone healed a thousands hurts that she and I had between us.

It’s not as if I am sitting around mourning the loss of my mom, no this is not the case at all.  I had essentially been prepared for my mom’s death for about two years; I’m not sure if she had had a stroke or what, but she basically checked out a while back and I was waiting until she called me in for help.  That day finally came and honestly there was no preparing for any of it — it was all very surreal and continues to reveal itself in my dreams and thoughts throughout the days and nights.  I find myself crying over the silliest things and cannot stop myself.  Honestly, I don’t mind getting lost in the tears.  But I am always surprised by it.

The first week in the hospital my mom and I got along very well, laughing together when we could, although at this point the pain was starting to engulf her, so I just wanted to be there for her. Her screams will haunt me forever because she screamed for her mother almost continually.  It was like a horror movie.  Chilling.  As the news of her condition worsened, she began to communicate to me with her eyebrows and then soon she became angry at the fact that she was dying.

She did not want to die. Not here. Not now. She was not ready.  She got mad at me.  I struggle with the guilt.  It was happening.  Her death. I just happened to be the only one there with her.

I’ve seen two people go off to hospice and both times these people were already in some type of coma to kill the pain or whatever they were experiencing.  Not my mom. I had to tell her we were going to hospice and she almost stabbed me with her eyes.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”

The doctors told me we had one hour to say goodbye to her and I was the only family member with her. I had to ask her if there was anyone she wanted to talk to (I couldn’t yet say the word “goodbye”). “No! I don’t know! Noooooo!”

I sent out a group text that we have one hour to say good bye to Mom.  In hindsight, this is beyond surreal — a damn text message.  “Boys, you’ve got one hour to say goodbye to her, but the doctors say it’s too stressful for her to be on the phone, so send me a text and I will read it to her.  Or call me and I will tell her your words.  Say goodbye in your heart, because you won’t get a chance to see her again.”

I spent the next 45 minutes reading everyone’s text messages to mom. Everyone’s thank you’s and good bye’s.  This completely shook me to my core. I have never sobbed like this in my life.  When I walked out of her room because the guys from the ambulance had shown up to wheel her out, I realized I had not said good bye.  There was still a little time, but I had no idea.

When she was in the ambulance, I ran up to the back of it and jumped up and down to look in the window. “I’m here with you Mom!! I will follow you!! I will not leave you! I’ll be right behind you!! I will see you in a little bit!!”  On one of my jumps up I could see that she was smiling.  At me.  For jumping up and down. Like a clown.

All the people I saw in the hospital who were looking at death’s door were not ready for it and were surprised that it came up so soon.  When my mom was in surgery or resting, I walked around and observed; spoke to some who were open to it.  You know what they wanted to talk about? When they were in love. When their children were small.  The first kiss.  The first and last dance.  You see old and sick people in hospitals but with some of them, their minds are still young and they don’t forget love and kisses and dances and children.

So on this Monday, April 1, 2013, I found myself strangely agitated and almost angry about my lot in life.  Thanks to the books I have been reading and the overall general messages I have been receiving (or misinterpreting), I was quite annoyed about what life was not giving me.  I was thinking about my own death — an unfortunate side affect of watching my mother’s death — and all the things I want to do and experience before I die.  I grew extremely agitated throughout the day because of all the things I have given up in life over the past few weeks, I was getting *nothing* in return.

I want to experience an exquisite love before I die.
I want to hunker down and do satisfying work before I die.
I want to give back to causes I believe in before I die.

But love has done me wrong, the chip on my shoulder from getting fired twice in 2012 is weighing me down and the slow climb of financial reckoning is taking its own sweet time.  I am fucking pissed off!

I went for a sunset run to blow off some steam and afterwards I set off to find something to eat and drove past the Blue Lotus Temple. I knew there was a meditation class this evening and instead of eating, I knabbed the available open parking spot in front and found a seat in the beautiful cobalt blue temple.

The subject of tonight’s class: preparing for your death.  I heard things that made me double over.  I heard nuggets of wisdom that made my heart flutter.  I had tears streaming down my face when the Head Monk asked if there were any questions.  I raised my hand.

“I have forgotten how to be mindful and I don’t remember what good deeds are; in fact I have spent my day being angry about what life has not given me yet and I don’t think is the way I am supposed to be. I don’t want to die with these thoughts in my head.  I saw my mom being angry about dying and she thought she was prepared.  Please tell me what to do, I feel like I’m failing at everything in life.”

“You are doing absolutely everything right; even the place you are at with your thoughts.  It was a powerful gift to be with your mom through her death and now that you have helped her, it is time to help yourself.  I will help to remind you what being mindful is and suggest good deeds but you will discover them on your own, just as you discovered this.  Don’t be a Buddhist; be a Buddha and you will always stay hungry.  It is not too late and I am glad you are here.”

So I spoke with the Monk after class. I felt so much better after we chatted that I wanted a Culver’s cheeseburger right then and there.  So off to Culver’s I went, where I not only enjoyed a cheeseburger, but a strawberry milkshake too, as I read up on my decision to become Meagan the Vegan. Moooooooooooooo!!

veg_burgers

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-20th-Anniversary/dp/0861719069/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364873388&sr=1-1&keywords=mindfulness+in+plain+english

mindfulness

 

As Harry Burns once said….

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”  Amen Burnsie!

Lark in Paris for almost a year!

But this is not that type of love story rather a story of me getting back to what it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. Writing and travelling. But wait, what’s that you say, “you haven’t traveled much at ALL in the past few years, let alone write!”  True.  I stopped travelling in 2010 after returning home from living in Mexico and Texas and the only writing I’ve done has been in my Diary.  I mean journal!  But I used to travel A LOT and I’ve lived in seven America cities and three international cities and I look forward to getting back to travelling, because it does make my heart go-a-flutter and this time I’ll blog about it. Yes #BLOGaboudit.

Things are very different now as we are all very well aware.  Economic hardships have forever changed our landscapes and I realize I may have to work harder to get where I want to go, and the many rapid-fire fears are screaming at me; but I have been wanting to do this ever since I grew feet.  So if I don’t do it now, when do I do it?

Here I place the metaphorical cart before the literary horse. I am also spending my days consulting for small business who need help with their marketing efforts so at first this may be a slow moving horse, but this pony is definitely saddled up and is hankering to get out there and see the world.  ANDALE